Come on, get happy

Anybody else old enough to remember this?

Anybody else old enough to remember this?

Okay, so this is kind of a long story — another story of why I ended up thinking about something and what I ended up thinking about.

It starts with this post from G the AT — who, by the way, also happens to be my daughter.

I was intrigued enough about this woman to go google Lissa Rankin. Now it’s possible that this woman is a household name but I don’t get out much, so I had never heard of her. So, I’m clicking around her web site and finding, unsurprisingly, that she is trying to sell me stuff. But then I came to the About|Lissa Rankin page and encountered this:

I believe that the key to living a long, vital life is an optimistic attitude, the willingness to love expansively and receive love in return from a wide circle of people close to you, engaging in work that lights you up, tapping into Source, allowing your creativity to flow boundlessly, being unapologetically who you really are, moving your body in ways that make you smile, and drinking as much green juice as you can.

And, as you can probably guess, this got me to thinking. But besides that, and much to my surprise, it actually made me tear up and that is was really got me to thinking.

I don’t have any problem with Dr. Rankin’s premise there. My own mother died an untimely death at the age of 59 (only 4 years older than I am now!) and I have never made a secret of my belief that it was her own misery and fear and distrust of others and inability to let herself be loved that killed her. The multiple myeloma was only incidental, a symptom of a larger dis-ease that had been taking its toll on her life for decades.

I had recognized this dis-ease a lifetime earlier. My mother had been a miserable person for as long as I could remember. (There was a picture of her from when she was a teenager that retained a place in my memory simply because I had never seen her look that happy in all my little-bitty life.) I didn’t realize it at the time but she was a terribly frightened person for as long as I could remember. I was miserable, too, and she used to tell me that my relationship with her was as good as it was ever going to get for me.

I remember thinking that if I really believed that, I would just kill myself right then and there. That was when I promised myself that I was going to do what I had to do to make myself happy. And that has always been my life’s goal, beyond all the other interim goals I have pursued at different points in time: I want to be happy.

So here I am, beyond the crucible. Am I happy? Almost.

Almost???

Something is missing. I have no idea what it is and I’m not sure how I’d find it.

I don’t think I’m quite miserable enough to make myself really sick like my mother did. I am certainly much happier than I was when I was married to the sociopath. But I read that quote like a sort of check list of ways in which it is possible to be okay and I recognize that there are ways in which I am still not okay.

This is the part where I remind myself that I spent 27 years, possibly more, before the crucible or within the crucible. I’m less than six months over here on the other side, beyond it. I need to cut myself some slack, give myself some time.

I need to heal. That’s what I tell myself.

The sad fact is that I’m not sure if I know how.

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5 thoughts on “Come on, get happy

  1. I’m gonna say this forever: You’ll find what it is your looking for. You’ll find that source of true happiness. You’ll feel better. It’s just going to take time. You were miserable (not on and off, but rather “not so bad” and “really bad”) for probably 75% of your life. Maybe even longer than that. So, as you said, you’re only six months beyond the crucible. It’s going to take a lot more time than that for you to heal. In the meantime, you should do all those things that make you healthy and in-the-moment happy, because those are the things that’ll make your permanently happy in the future. 🙂

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  2. I can relate to much of your story and healing takes time. Part of my emotional healing came about when I completed my two books, that were recently published, which if you like, you can view on my blog home page. It helped me to write it all down; albeit, I still have the physical side to deal with, but in some ways, that’s easier than the emotional. It really does take time…

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  3. If I may make a suggestion; regardless of whether or not you pick up yoga (like I need to do again hahahaha), I think something you should do is meditate. If you can’t find the answers on the outside, look in. And aside from that search, meditation, in the few instances I’ve tried it, really calms down your mind and kind of clears negative emotions. And don’t forget that stuff like this takes time 🙂

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