Makes me feel uneasy, baby

fog
Sometimes, I don’t know how I feel.

I’m having one of those times right now. I’ve been wanting to come in here and talk to you but I don’t know what to say because I don’t know how I feel.

Not knowing how I feel makes it hard for me to write. It’s hard to write blog posts and it’s hard to get any work done on the sequel to The Rise of The Phoenix, which I’ve been working on for years. Then again, it took me 5 years just to write Phoenix, so at least I’m consistent.

My motto: I shall write no book before its time.

But I digress.

My love life (sex life?) is bothering me because the stud muffin and I exchanged words last weekend and I’m still mad. Not sure if I’m mad at him (it’s not my fault you didn’t know what you were talking about and I didn’t deserve to get snarled at just because I told you some things you didn’t want to hear) or if I’m mad at me (why didn’t you just snarl back) or maybe both.

It’s a weird kind of mad because I’m not sitting around muttering angrily to myself or breathing fire or wishing he was here so I could breathe fire. It’s more like a back burner kind of mad that has me in a kind of fog, wanting nothing more than to be left alone. And what would I do, alone? Well, if the last couple of days are anything to judge by, I would hang out all by my foggy self, trying to think and failing miserably.

My work life is bothering me, too. That’s because my bosses have changed direction very suddenly, leaving me with four months of wasted time behind me, a strong sense that nobody in the place gives a rat’s ass what I think about anything, an equally strong sense that the expertise for which I was hired is now meaningless in the context of this job, and a strong determination to leave her a lot sooner than I was originally anticipating.

Which is a pretty good segue into my soon-to-be academic life. Because my response to the crap at work – beyond sitting around feeling shell shocked and wondering what my job is now – is to move my graduate school application process up to now instead of this year or the following year. The application is actually completed. All I have to do is to (a) have my GRE scores sent and (b) submit the application and application fee a week from tomorrow (i.e., next payday). For me, that’ll be taking the plunge. Of course, that’s not perfect, either.

I’m applying to the University of North Carolina’s graduate program in anthropology. I do have somebody to study with there, this time around, which is a big plus. On the other hand, I have not been able to find anybody else to study with anywhere else, which means I’m only going to be submitting one graduate school application – which makes me very nervous. Fingers seriously crossed and all that. Maybe, if I can’t find a Ph.D. program … well, maybe I have other options. I will investigate.

Of course, submitting applications to graduate schools also implies waiting for decisions from graduate schools. That means I’m not going to know what I’m doing next year until … next year. March, to be precise.

Waiting. More fog.

I don’t like fog. It’s not painful. It’s not difficult.

It’s uncomfortable.

Fog is like the difference between swimming and treading water. You’re not drowning. You’re just not going anywhere.

That’s me right now. Not getting anywhere … at least, not yet.

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