Pour myself a cup of ambition

hardest-in-the-beginningTomorrow, I go back to work.


However, tomorrow I also get back to my workout routines. This last week of the year 2015 was one giant cheat day/week, and I will admit that I was a naughty girl. Lot’s of family, lots of decorating, lots of friends, lots of love … and lots of cooking, lots of food.

Note to self: next year, remember that you don’t need to make so much food.

It was only a week. Not even … it was four days but I’m back to feeling like a walrus.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I have really terrible body image issues. You wouldn’t want to be inside my head when it starts talking to my body and telling it how fat and hideous and disgusting it is. And that voice isn’t an occasional thing, either. It’s pretty close to constant — or it was, until I got good at positive self-talk.

BRAIN: look at you, your so fat!

ME: No, I’m not fat. I just weigh more than I’d like to right now.

Meanwhile, somewhere deep down inside, I’m still thinking, “You can phrase it any way you want and dust off all the euphemisms you like, but you’re still a walrus.”

That’s why you almost never see a picture of me. Well, on this blog you really don’t see pictures of me. In my head, being overweight is fat, equals ugly, equals ashamed, equals need to hide. The mere fact that I go to the gym at all is kind of miraculous. There are mirrors all over the place in the gym, and you wouldn’t believe how hard it is for me to make myself look in a mirror. That’s why I don’t spend much time with my hair and why I almost never wear makeup anymore.

One of my goals for this year is to get over all this crap. The shame, I will tell you frankly, will be difficult and painful to push away from myself. I have no intention of going in the “Fat is beautiful” direction because, for one thing, I don’t think there is anything beautiful about fat and it would be impossible for me to think of myself as “big and beautiful”. Then there’s also the health aspect. Gina has a goal of her own when it comes to me. She wants me to tame my diabetes to the point that I can ditch most of my meds sometime within the year.

I would like that. I don’t like drugs.

So let me tell you a little about my routine. Right now, I do a cardio DVD when I get home from work and then I head to the gym with Gina. The schedule looks like this:

MONDAY: Moderate cardio legs and shoulders, abs
TUESDAY: HIIT arms and back
WEDNESDAY: Low impact cardio rest day (abs at home)
THURSDAY: HIIT glutes, hamstrings, triceps
FRIDAY: Moderate cardio Machines! (shoulders, back, hams, abductors, adductors), abs
SATURDAY: Moderate impact cardio rest day

And then we take Sundays off.

A couple of important challenges for me are all about timing. When do I eat my dinner? And when do I go to the gym. On the one hand, I really need to do my cardio almost the minute I walk in the door because the longer I wait to do it, the less likely I’ll do it at all. Then, too, I don’t want to go to the gym too late in the day because I do have to work the next day. But I have to eat, don’t it? And I don’t want to do my strength work on a full stomach, right?

It all requires a little fancy footwork but I have been managing. All I need to do now is to get back into the routine. I kind of can’t wait. We take pictures of me every eight weeks or so to track my progress. The last set kept me going to the gym because, while I hadn’t gotten slim and svelte, the difference was plainly visible. So, now I’m fretting about how much ground I’ve last and how hard it will be to make up those losses.

Next #transformationtuesday pictures are scheduled for February 16, 2016. And (gulp) I’m going to post them here.

Brace yourself.