I go back and forth about my fitness goals.
The health benefits are very important to me, because I’m not just battling obesity, I am battling diabetes. I want to get my blood sugar under control. I want to be able to take fewer medications.
I have been told more than once that I should simply resign myself to the fact that diabetes is a progressive disease and it’s going to get worse. That may be so but before it gets much worse, I want to master it to the point that it gets a bit better. At least for awhile.
I don’t do resignation well. I don’t particularly want to surrender my body to diabetes. That, in my opinion, would suck.
At the same time, every time I read somewhere that I am not defined by a number (I know that), that I am beautiful regardless of what I weigh (yeah, right), that I shouldn’t worry about how other people view me — which translates into “you shouldn’t care whether or not your are attractive” — I have to laugh a little.
Let’s be honest. Mastering my medical maladies is meaningful but my looks matter, too. And it’s not even that it matters how people view me (although, it does), so much as that it matters how I view me. I want to find myself aesthetically pleasing. And yes, that really, really matters to me.
Networking functions and their ilk are very difficult for me. They lie far, far outside my comfort zone. But I have had to do them and I will tell you this: I am much more successful at such functions when I know I look good than I am when I’m fretting because I chose the wrong outfit or I’d look alright if I wasn’t so bloated or my hair decided to do something stupid this morning or … .
In short, confidence quenches self-consciousness, every time. If I don’t have to worry about my appearance, I can focus on the person I’m talking to and be genuinely interested in them instead of doing my best to appear to be listening to them while I secretly worry about how they see me.