One foot in front of the other

Still-Waiting So, I finally saw my doctor today.

She doubled the dose of my anti-depressants, so I’m thinking that it’s no wonder I have not been doing well these last couple of weeks.

Under the circumstances, I’m rather pleased with myself that I did almost all the workouts I was supposed to do last week. I flaked out on Saturday but what I did was not too shabby. I promised myself that I’d be gentle with myself, in the event that I discovered I’m not Superwoman. And, for all the great news I’ve been receiving since the beginning of the year, I’m finding it a little difficult to whole-heartedly dive into celebration mode.

In fact, I note that I am back in that place I’ve been in forever.

Yes, friends, once again I’m waiting.

In its way, this is hilarious. You see, having received notification that I’ve been accepted to graduate school I’ve been waiting to find out about funding. Now that I’ve found out about funding, I’m still waiting to hear from the Ford Foundation because I applied for a fellowship from them, too.

And, now that I have gotten access to the course catalog to start planning my courses, I’m waiting until April 5th so that I can actually register for them.

And I’m waiting until March 31st, which will be my last day in the office before I head down to NC for several days to do stuff. While I’m down there, I expect to secure a place to live and meet with professors and talk to current grad students. Not to mention enjoying much better weather for a few days.

Even after that little break (I’ll be out of the office for four days), I’ll still be waiting. Once I’m back, I’ll be waiting for the next two months to be done so I can finish up at my job and go home and start packing. In fact, June is going to be pretty action-packed as far as my life is concerned. I finish up at work. I go home and pack up the house and clean the place. I take care of various money-related things, including transfers of funds and closing some accounts and preparing to open others and forwarding things and what not. And when I’m finished all that, I get to pile all my stuff in a truck and drive it all down to North Carolina.

If I’m honest, that’s what I’m really waiting for. Everything between now and then are just the tiny little milestones that I have presented myself with to keep from crawling out of my skin. I think I have mentioned to you before that, even though it seems to me as if I have spent most of my adult life waiting for one thing or another, practice has not made it any easier for me. And when I stop to think about it, that’s an awful lot of wasted life. Or it is if I insist on looking at things that way.

See, the quality of my life rests in the things I have been doing all this time while I’m waiting (channeling Fred Rodgers once again). When I think about it like that, it doesn’t matter how long I’ve been waiting and it doesn’t matter what I’m waiting for at any given point in time.

For example, I’ve been waiting for graduate school ever since I finished at Hartwick. What have I been doing?

Well, I’ve been working at stuff that will eventually help this place that I won’t be calling home for too much longer. I’ve been working at leaving something strong and sustainable and positive behind me when I leave.

I’ve also been working at creating something more of comfort, a somewhat better lifestyle for myself and my children. It wasn’t much fun, those hand-to-mouth years after That Man got arrested. These last couple of years have kind of made up for that, to me and (I hope) to my children.

I was working at that when one of my kids got into trouble and I was able to cough up the cash to get her out of trouble. Being able to do that meant an awful lot to me.

At the same time, I have discovered while I’ve been waiting that I was right about one thing: the regular-job nine-to-five lifestyle is not for me. I have missed being in school incredibly while I’ve been working here. That was something I suspected about myself but I had no proof until now. And any day that you learn to know yourself better is a good day — even at my age.

All of which reduces to the reassuring fact that I’m not wasting my life, waiting. I’m keeping myself occupied. I’m thinking of something to do while I’m waiting for something new to do. That’s a relief. It’s a bit late for me to start living, after all. It’s good that I still have things to do but it’s even better that I’ve already done a bunch of things.

It’s definitely about the journey and it would be a bit disconcerting if I were to discover that I haven’t even taken a step after all this time. My steps have wandered hither and yon over all these years but I have been putting one foot in front of the other.