Uneasy highway

change_is_hard Today, I spent a little time going back to the beginning.

The beginning was in August 2014. It had been three months since I had graduated from college, and just over three years since they took That Man away in handcuffs.

I was beyond the crucible but I was still feeling confused, wounded, insecure.

A lot has happened since then.

I’m feeling significantly less confused and wounded and insecure these days. I have talked out most of the abuse I suffered when I was married and I’ve done a lot of healing over the last two years. When I started this blog, I was beyond the crucible but I was still trailing bits and pieces of that crucible around like a dusty old jacket I’d forgotten how to unzip. I still have my issues but I am happier and more hopeful, I know myself better and I like myself better. At this point, I can look forward more than I need to look back.

I have stopped resisting the man who has been loving me for a long time. I have to tell you, it feels nice to let yourself be loved. At the same time, I don’t know what’s going to happen to that relationship because I don’t know what choices he’s going to make. I’m willing to step back and let him make those choices, though. For me, the important part was coming to understand that I deserve to be loved.

My household is in the process of falling apart but in a natural and amicable way. Gina, who seriously frightened me earlier this year, has achieved a new level of self-awareness that has put her feet on a healthier and prospectively happier path. She will be heading back west to resume her interrupted life and Kimmie is going with her. From a completely selfish point of view, that will take me from living with all my kids to living with half of them, from a full nest to a half-empty one. I can’t be sorry that the girls are leaving because it represents a gigantic stride forward for both of them but I also can’t deny that I’m going to miss them. In fact, I miss them already.

Dawn_May_2016 I am poised on the threshold of my next great adventure. In just under two weeks, I will say good-bye forever to the office where I’ve done good things for these past two years. I am told that I will have reached the goal I set for myself to leave something of worth behind me when I’m done. I’ll spend another two weeks packing my house and then I will say good-bye to the state I have called my home for the past 37 years. I will head south to learn and to teach and to research and, finally, to become a scholar.

It feels to me like I need to make this into a different place. I am so far beyond the crucible at this point that the crucible has lost much of its power. I like to think that this new adventure will not turn into another crucible for me. I like to think that maybe I’m done with crucibles for this lifetime.

I can hope.

My life has been a series of beginnings. The rest of my life awaits. I should be used to this by now but I guess you never do, huh?

But never mind. It’s all good.

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